Mild-moderate depression, panic disorder, and ptsd

Well, I have to say that day 3 of this fresh start is going well.  My eating habits have much much more under control.  I can't count the number of times I found myself going to the pantry to grab something for a reason other than hunger.   I have been keeping a good check of myself.  Now,  the next step here is to get an exercise plan going.   I have some exercise videos that I have enjoyed before in the past.   I am going to start doing them tomorrow; 3 times a week to start :)

As for my spiritual commitment.  I have been doing well.   I have not missed any of my bible readings.   I think I mentioned this before but I am reading from The Daily Message, through the bible in one year.   I decided not to start it on the correct days but just start it from the beginning and work my way though.  I originally went to September 20th but when I started reading a felt a little lost where exactly we were at.  

Currently I am reading after the great flood and Noah and his family is setting settled into the new land.   I am loving the variety of the bible stories and the psalms.  I have found myself looking over both numerous times during the day and really taking them in.

My LDRPS Devotional is going pretty well, I think.  It doesn't take long which I think is the point.   I am finding that so far it is pairing nicely with the daily reading.  I am really trying to see if I have the verse memorized because that would make the daily activities much easier (like mediating on it).

Ok, so I know I titled this post mild-moderate depression, panic disorder, and ptsd.    These are the diagnoses that I have been labeled.   I usually hate labels but when coming to treatment and understanding they tend to be pretty important.   If you are wondering what the difference is between anxiety and panic disorder, a person is considered to have a panic disorder if they have 2 to 4 or more major panic attacks in a year.  I will talk more about that later.

Currently pretty much everything is under control.    Like most people certain parts of the year (like fall and winter) I find myself getting a little sadder/moodier than usual.   Probably a combination of a lack of sunlight and my parents going to Florida for the winter.  I am so happy that they have that opportunity, but especially the few days before and after my husband usually notices quite the difference in my demeanor.  

Even things everything is great and I have no reason to be aggravated, sad, or distressed my depression and anxiety flares up.  That is one of the most frustrating things which usually makes the depression/anxiety worse (because I am so frustrated with myself).   I feel the safest, calmest in my own environment at home.   It would be so easy to become a home-bound recluse.  Maybe half of the time especially when I am by myself I get an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, fear when I am in public.  This is usually when I am driving or stopping.  The only thing I can relate it to is if you are out alone at night walking through a quiet area and you feel like you are being stalked or watched.   Feeling and tasting bile in your throat, having a hard time keeping thoughts calm.   Not being able to quite catch my breath and feeling numb in my hands.  Sometimes getting an aching pain in my chest.   That is the best I can describe anxiety.  

Certain things trigger this.  Certain appearances in people or noises.  Sometimes i will just wake up from a dream nightmare triggered and it will take days to get my mind back to a safe place.

Panic attacks, well that is another thing all together.  So many people thing they know what a panic attack is but unless you have experience or been with someone who has had a major one people have no idea how scary and painful they are.   It is like the anxiety symptoms x 100.   Gasping for breath, uncontrolled sobs or on the brink of completely losing it.   The pain in your chest people have mistaken for heart attacks.   It feels like a stabbing pain and goes all the way up through throat.  It hurts to swallow or breath but you are so short of breath.   The worst part of it is the loss of rationality.   Minor things seem major and major things unbearable.   Part of you know that you aren't feeling rational or saying rational things.  

So... going to write a bit about the Original Woman's conference because all 3 of the above was a factor on what happened.

It was an April and at the time I was already in a bit of a fradgle state.   I was doing pretty good considering.  My husband and I had some problems and we had actually just moved back in together the month before.  We had been separated for 3 months.  So, I went with some ladies from a small group that we had both been active it.  The conference is hard to put into words.  It was amazing, mind-blowing.  It really helped me cross some bridges I had not even approached in a long time.

I had been feeling my anxiety the entire weekend and had some minor panic attacks (racing thoughts, not being able to quiet catch my breath, really sweaty but cold) at certain times and had take some medication to help numb things a bit.   The emphasis that day was on not holding things back.  To let things go and to forgive.  The speaker was an amazing woman who took into young girls that had been saved from trafficking or rape victims.   A lot of the things she said hit awfully close to home.  She was describing certain girls who had blocked things out and how they continued getting flashbacks.  There were times of intense silence and prayers.  I can't even quite remember everything but I remember my eyes were closed and I went 'there.'  I went to the memories of my mind that I usually jumped around.   I remember feeling and seeing actual flashes.  Then I was there, I made it there and I pushed my way further back into my memories and whole mother-lode of things came flying at me.

What I had was a massive panic attack much of which I did not remember until months later.  A woman there I remember at one point saw that I was on the brink and took me into her arms.  I said something like, "I can't."  She said, "you can!  You are safe!  You are ok."  I lost it.  I am not sure what point it happened and I didn't even realize it for 20 minutes but I stopped making sense verbally.   I had a panic attack and paired with my auditory processing disorder a 'sensory overload' according to the doctor.   I remember the flashes of other memories.  The train ringing in my ears.  I thought I was talking but they couldn't understand a thing I was saying.  

I am sure that it had to be extremely frightening to them.   At the time they had no idea was was going on; a mental breakdown, possession, speaking in tongues.   There were high emotions everything and many of the women later admitted they were not thinking reasonably.  

Ok, I am going to have to continue a little later.  Thanks!

What is my purpose?

That may have gotten the attention of my family and friends...well and maybe some others that do not know me.  Well, for all of you out there mouse or man I am possessed bye...drum roll please... by the Holy Spirit!   Booyah!   Now, before the eye rolling and I may have already lost a few of you to a 'back click,' please let me explain this new blog chapter of my life and a bit of background that I hope to have the strength to keep unfolding as these blogs continue.

So, this is day 1.  I can not back track on my very less than healthy eating habits of this day or really last few years.   Where I am is spiritually strong but lacking of knowledge and I am ashamed to admit 220lbs.  That is another day and another blog, but I will mention when I was in high school I saw this number and successfully got it off and kept it off for almost 10 years.   I've done it before and will do it again.   

Like many here, I am determined to get my life in order.  I was searching through my office for a devotional of some sort.  I was and still am (and currently doing) hitting hard two areas in my life that have seriously been lacking.  My spiritual walk and my health.  Well, in my search I stumbled across my unopened devotional from Rockford First Original Woman's Conference 2012.  So many memories came back.  For those that have been to an Original Conference, or any powerful Women's Conference, some wonderful memories but also some that were very painful.   Two years ago this April my sanity was questioned.  The words "possessed," "demon," and "speaking in tongues" were spoken and I experienced one of the worst and best days of my life.  That entire year had been pretty horrible.

Oh wow, even that above paragraph has me a bit shaken up.   Yup, going to stop there with the history.  Sorry it is not much but if you ask my family and friends that is the way I tend to roll.  In bits and pieces.   I want to assure some out there that there are certain things that year and in my past I will keep private. 

 I may hint at and refer to certain things that those that know me should know what I am referring to, but my intention for this is not to put all of my baggage out there.,.  Well, that brings me actually to day one of my Love, Dream, Read, Pray, Shine (LDRPS for short) Original Conference One Year Devotional.  For Day 1 it has me looking at Jeremiah 29:11.  "For I know the plans I have for you." says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  The question LDRPS has for me for Day 1 is, "What is God's message in this verse/passage?"

What this says to me is my loving Lord knows the purpose for everything that has and will happen to me.   I look back at my life and some things I understand the purpose for already, some I have yet to find out, and there are some things that I will not understand until I close my eyes for the last time and awaken besides Him.    A friend of mine today asked me what are my spiritual gifts.  From previous discussions and some tests/quizzes I told her hospitality, service, and teaching.   My gifts and talents are shaped by my past including the hurts.   While I can not find myself to be thankful everything that has happened I am extremely grateful for who, where, and how I am.  '

Who:  I'm Tessa.  I am emphatic, patient, kind, goofy (sometimes cluelessly), sensitive, passionate, a bit gullible, and I keep discovering more about myself.

Where:  Mid-30s.  Loving and strong husband and a beautiful daughter.   I am living out my dream of being at home and raising my daughter and taking care of my family.  Living in the country within walking distance of close family and for the first time I have time to start taking care of myself.

How:   When I picture myself I see a vase that has been shattered into thousands of pieces but currently a loving hand of Him has glued me back together piece by piece.   Some of the broken lines have faded away while others still are gaping and vulnerable.

I feel my purpose is to help others that have had or will have similar things happen in their life like mine. I purposely left this out of the 'who' category,  because while these things I am going to briefly list are part of me, they are not me.  

I have aixelsyd ...or I mean dyslexia.  Ok, not a good joke; especially because it isn't the visual dyslexia that I struggle the most with.  I have an auditory processing disorder.  Would be happy to write more about that another day and blog.

I have depression, panic disorder, and PTSD. 

And...here it goes; I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault.   

That last sentence took me probably 20 minutes to put into words. 

So, that is enough for tonight.  Prayers for this journey would be very much appreciated.