That may have gotten the attention of my family and friends...well and maybe some others that do not know me. Well, for all of you out there mouse or man I am possessed bye...drum roll please... by the Holy Spirit! Booyah! Now, before the eye rolling and I may have already lost a few of you to a 'back click,' please let me explain this new blog chapter of my life and a bit of background that I hope to have the strength to keep unfolding as these blogs continue.
So, this is day 1. I can not back track on my very less than healthy eating habits of this day or really last few years. Where I am is spiritually strong but lacking of knowledge and I am ashamed to admit 220lbs. That is another day and another blog, but I will mention when I was in high school I saw this number and successfully got it off and kept it off for almost 10 years. I've done it before and will do it again.
Like many here, I am determined to get my life in order. I was searching through my office for a devotional of some sort. I was and still am (and currently doing) hitting hard two areas in my life that have seriously been lacking. My spiritual walk and my health. Well, in my search I stumbled across my unopened devotional from Rockford First Original Woman's Conference 2012. So many memories came back. For those that have been to an Original Conference, or any powerful Women's Conference, some wonderful memories but also some that were very painful. Two years ago this April my sanity was questioned. The words "possessed," "demon," and "speaking in tongues" were spoken and I experienced one of the worst and best days of my life. That entire year had been pretty horrible.
Oh wow, even that above paragraph has me a bit shaken up. Yup, going to stop there with the history. Sorry it is not much but if you ask my family and friends that is the way I tend to roll. In bits and pieces. I want to assure some out there that there are certain things that year and in my past I will keep private.
I may hint at and refer to certain things that those that know me should know what I am referring to, but my intention for this is not to put all of my baggage out there.,. Well, that brings me actually to day one of my Love, Dream, Read, Pray, Shine (LDRPS for short) Original Conference One Year Devotional. For Day 1 it has me looking at Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you." says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." The question LDRPS has for me for Day 1 is, "What is God's message in this verse/passage?"
What this says to me is my loving Lord knows the purpose for everything that has and will happen to me. I look back at my life and some things I understand the purpose for already, some I have yet to find out, and there are some things that I will not understand until I close my eyes for the last time and awaken besides Him. A friend of mine today asked me what are my spiritual gifts. From previous discussions and some tests/quizzes I told her hospitality, service, and teaching. My gifts and talents are shaped by my past including the hurts. While I can not find myself to be thankful everything that has happened I am extremely grateful for who, where, and how I am. '
Who: I'm Tessa. I am emphatic, patient, kind, goofy (sometimes cluelessly), sensitive, passionate, a bit gullible, and I keep discovering more about myself.
Where: Mid-30s. Loving and strong husband and a beautiful daughter. I am living out my dream of being at home and raising my daughter and taking care of my family. Living in the country within walking distance of close family and for the first time I have time to start taking care of myself.
How: When I picture myself I see a vase that has been shattered into thousands of pieces but currently a loving hand of Him has glued me back together piece by piece. Some of the broken lines have faded away while others still are gaping and vulnerable.
I feel my purpose is to help others that have had or will have similar things happen in their life like mine. I purposely left this out of the 'who' category, because while these things I am going to briefly list are part of me, they are not me.
I have aixelsyd ...or I mean dyslexia. Ok, not a good joke; especially because it isn't the visual dyslexia that I struggle the most with. I have an auditory processing disorder. Would be happy to write more about that another day and blog.
I have depression, panic disorder, and PTSD.
And...here it goes; I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault.
That last sentence took me probably 20 minutes to put into words.
So, that is enough for tonight. Prayers for this journey would be very much appreciated.
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